It would be nice to be compared to my literary hero, the man whose words I most like to read. We do have some similarities, or maybe coincidences. Anyway I was speaking with Kurt Vonnegut one night while asleep. And so it goes…
KV. Mike, I understand you sold aluminum storm windows as a struggling young author. I did, too.
MB. I wasn't an author then, I was a teacher. But, yes, I did. I heard that you sold storm windows. Ever install any?
MB. Well I hung a lot of them, doors too. I guess I have you beat on this one, huh, Kurt?
KV. So, you want to make this a competition?
MB. It's gotta be, if I want to be compared to you.
KV. OK, give me something.
MB. I know your first wife's name was Jane. So's mine.
KV. So? Coincidence. You lived on Cape Cod, so did I.
MB. Go ahead and google my alter-ego, "Bruce DelReno." First thing that comes up will be my book, Willowtree. Google "Kilgore Trout" and you get thousands of pages about fish.
KV. I wouldn't google, if I knew what it was. What about politics? I sure think the Bush administration and the war in Iraq did our country a lot of harm.
MB. Well, I'm right with you on that one. But, I got you on the storm windows and the google thing.
KV. I have a very famous quote, bet you don't.
MB. I know, I know. "So it goes." Damn, I wish I had thought of that. I was so pissed at General Mills when they sued you over using their phrase, "Breakfast of Champions." You'd probably sue me if I used "So it goes."
KV. I thought you liked me. Why the hostility, Mike?
MB. Well, you beat me to "So it goes," then you wrote the coolest thing ever in Deadeye Dick. I won't be able to use that either.
KV. Yeah? What was that?
MB. You know, randomly shooting a gun out a window and killing a pregnant woman.
KV. What's so cool about that?
MB. It was on Mothers Day. Don't you remember?
KV. Oh, yeah. Cool.
MB. There's not much golf or food in any of your books, Kurt. Why not?
KV. I had to leave something for you to go on about. Say, after me, who's your next favorite author?
MB. Well, there's you, me, Shakespeare, then Mark Twain.
KV. By the way, Mike Bove, who the hell are you?
Then I woke up.
(The references in this piece are true. Except the google of Kilgore Trout. 524,000 pages came up, most concerning Kurt Vonnegut.)